THE LIVING WAGE AND GUY FAWKES

ALAN MOORE'S GUY FAWKES
IN HIS V-VENDETTA COMIC

 On this day, 5^th November, Britain celebrates the execution of Guy Fawkes in 1606, who failed to blow up Parliament with his infamous Gunpowder Plot. He was both a terrorist and a convert to Catholicism - thus a doubly avowed enemy of the status quo – and so was merrily burnt alive on a public bonfire. Ever since, every village in Britain builds a bonfire, assembles all the children, tops it with a Guy Fawkes look-a-like, sets him alight screaming with terrible pain, launches fireworks and has a jolly party with jelly and cakes.

Coincidentally, also on this day in 2012, UK Parliamentarians are discussing that most treacherous enemy of all freedom, that devilish communist concept, that dangerous attack on democracy and The Blessed Free Global Markets, THE LIVING WAGE. Millionaire Mitt Romney tells me that it is highly probable that the treasonable Guy Fawkes believed in paying THE LIVING WAGE.

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Burn All Socialists.

All intelligent politicians, bankers, economists, employers and the few remaining traditional slave owners (God bless ‘em) are, to a man, against paying a living wage. The logic is that we top people with our grand, generous schemes and massed capital, recruit workers to do our bidding, join our team, devote all their best productive hours obeying our directives – and then we send them home (if they have a mean hovel to go to) with too little money to buy clothes, pay WONGA 3,800% APR on their payday loans, feed their families or access broadband.

We employ them – we organise them – so they must do our bidding; it is our God Given Right to bully the plebs, to starve, freeze and beat them into cowering submission. Some dangerous, misguided, socialist liberals are even proposing that we should pay apprentices and interns. Whatever next! Food parcels and health care?

IF we paid a living wage - IF we conferred dignity on the whingeing classes – where then would we create pools of cheap child prostitutes, street criminals and disposable serving wenches? The consequences are unthinkable. No – we Brits of the ruling class, need to know that the armies of anonymous drain cleaners, sweepers, clerks, cooks and waiters in their garish red and white uniforms have to work sixty or seventy hours a week, on temporary contracts, for less than the minimum hourly wage – so they cannot, under any circumstances make a LIVING WAGE. This strategy depletes their energy and dilutes any revolutionary Guy Fawkes inspired fervour that might otherwise stir in their dim little minds and sad weakened spirits.   

We have to assess and continually re-assess, in each and every case: “Does this Peasant actually deserve to Live?” In this modern enlightened age we can no longer horsewhip them for impertinence – but we can depress them and deny them a life; as long as we pay less than the living wage. Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!

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